I believe success is just a fleeting moment when your realities match your expectations.

I also realize, for many, the number of those moments they experience overtime defines what they (and perhaps others) see as a successful life.

So why are some people more successful than others?

I have met many people in many lands over my life and although opportunities for some seem limited, even amongst those in the direst of circumstances, there are some people that make a great success of their life. I am talking about success when it is measured against the relative or real opportunities that exist for individuals due to the circumstances of their existence.

What is it that helps some rise whilst others languish in mediocrity?

Obviously there is no simple answer however I have noticed some common traits in those that succeed.

The first pillar of success (or trait that successful people seem to have) is that: “those who succeed invariably believe that SUCCESS IS A CHOICE”.

I read an article titled “SUCCESS IS A CHOICE!! It is that simple…” by a Jim McGilvary where he told a story of business woman who could not get her business to where she wanted it to be. He said in the article:

“I told her and I am telling you:

• Make no more excuses for not having success

• Hold yourself accountable for the good and the bad

• STOP the negative thinking

• STOP worrying about the “naysayers”

• Laugh in the face of the unknown and…

• Make the choice right now, that you will do what it takes to have success.

He goes on by saying:

“I will leave you with one last thought: To fail is to have tried. To try [in itself] is to have success. You cannot have success without some failure. Choose to try, whether you fail or succeed. You cannot have success without trying. Keep choosing to have success and you will have it. It is as simple as that.”

Now perhaps his advice is a little glib and it is not quite “as simple as that” particularly for those who are very in difficult situations, however if you think about it the logic is quite sound.

So point one is you must choose to succeed.

The second pillar is:

The need to have a STRONG PERSONAL VISION

In the video “The Power of Vision” Joel Barker explores the value of having a strong personal vision of a positive future. He stresses that this is a key, not only to success, but in some cases to survival itself. In one segment he tells the story of Viktor Frankl and says; “this remarkable man is the author of the outstanding book Man’s Search for Meaning.” Frankl he explains was a prisoner in Ausweise and Barker tells how “his strong sense of having a future saved both his life and the life of others.” The survivors had a common trait and he says… and I quote:  “all of those who made it through had [or at least believed they had] something significant yet to do in their future”. A vision of a positive future is a powerful driver in us all.

The third pillar is competence.

All people will naturally gravitate to those whom are competent. So what is competence? “ Competence is: ‘the ability to create and apply a solution to a particular problem’. Whether the problem is a leaky tap or a brain tumour competent people will always be sought after and success usually follows them. How do you become competent, learn, fail, re-learn, adjust, practice and hone your skill and build your knowledge and experience. There are no shortcuts.

The fourth pillar of success (or personal trait) is the ability to win during times of change and uncertainty.

Notice I didn’t say cope. Coping is just not good enough for success, we need to find ways to excel in a constantly changing universe. The skills you will need to do that are primarily an ability to stay focussed on your goals, a willingness to remain optimistic and an attitude of persistence and high levels of commitment. You need to have the strength of character to stay true to your vision even in times of great uncertainty. You will also need to develop an ability to analyze situations, deal with half-truths and minimal information and with all that still seek out and grasp opportunities to thrive.

Finally the fifth pillar is: To be able to work well with others.

That means you have to become a student of (and reach some reasonable level of understanding of) human nature. You must to succeed be willing to engage in politics. Politics is always present when humans are together whether at social outings or in the workplace. As part of working well with others you must become expert in communication… particularly the “learning to listen” part of communication. The are many articles and posts on this website covering the issues (or art) of communication and I commend them to you.

So what is success, other than what I have said so far it’s a lot of hard work, which of course is the reality of our existence… because… nobody… truly gets a free ride. Wait you say what about those that are born into successful rich families. Well they have the same problem as the rest of us, often their realities just do not match up to their (or even others) expectations.

The “survive or thrive” checklist

1. Have you given yourself time to think and analyze the new situation (reality) thoroughly calmly and properly?

2. Are you able to ensure you can avoid misinterpretations and have you, through questioning effectively, gathered enough information on how things will be to make a rational decision on what the change will mean to you?

3. Have you looked for the opportunities a changed state will bring you rather than being driven by the fear of negative results being imposed upon you?

4. Have you inserted yourself in the change process so you are able to influence the outcomes that are important to you? (As opposed to becoming a negative, head in the sand naysayer.)

5 Based on what you have understood of your changed reality have you researched what shills you will need to develop to thrive in a new environment?

6. Are you focussing on the long-term or just frazzled by the moment and are you actively planning to ensure your future well being?

7. Are you able to match your values with the new situation if knot have you developed and exit strategy?

8. Have you gathered around you a positive group to ensure you can maintain emotionally supportive relationships during what is a natural period of stress?

Change is the only constant… who said that? Best of luck if you are going through a period of change, try to mange the process well.

The approach to selling the ads on site was to visit each business personally and ask if they would place an ad. Some success was quickly achieved and a number of advertisers came on board. Now the site being both fairly new and by its charity nature cannot and will not boast masses of visitors. The  members of the club however will tend to support the businesses that support them, that’s just human nature. Additionally of course some advertisers view it as good PR to support a local charity and will see the cost of their ad as a donation to a worthy cause.

So what about the no. A number of businesses approached used the old “send me a proposal” fudge to get me out of their face. Now that’s fine I am happy to go back write an email to thank them for their time, thank them for seeing me and thank them for considering advertising and for looking at my proposal. It would however save me a lot of time if they just said “no” on the spot.

So now as a seller and more to the point a potential ‘real’ business customer, my feeling towards those businesses is a little negative. One business said no immediately and although we had used his services for a long time and was a little annoyed, at least he did not suck up extra energy by stringing me along by asking for a proposal. He just stated honestly he was “fully committed at the moment” and could not participate. It is worth noting, I am not talking big money here, the advertising space is only $10..00 per week on the index page and $5 a week on the ancillary pages.

This brings me back to the four other businesses which said, send me the submission. Some three weeks later I have not had a response from any of the four. I feel abused and angry at the discourtesy of these business people and will not do business with them in the future. I will also discourage others to avoid them as well. Who knows why these particular people couldn’t say NO, however in doing as they did they have, at least with me and those I can influence, destroyed their reputation and any chance of commercial dealings in the future.

So why don’t people say no?

According to authors  James Rapson and Craig Enlish who wrote “Anxious to Please” many individuals are: “people pleasures” by nature.

They state:

“People pleasers are driven by anxiety to be nice whether it’s called for or not. People pleasers are nice even when they’re being ignored or insulted. People pleasers navigate their world by accommodating and acquiescing, by trying to please.”

They also importantly advise:

“What is the result of their can’t say no, “peace at any price” behavior? The opposite of what they hoped for— disapproval,  conflict, and  rejection.” This outcome of their behavior is I believe well deserved. People pleasers are obviously also conflict avoiders and to my way of thinking somewhat cowardly in their dealings with others. None of us like a no however, most of us absolutely hate being ignored and forgotten.

So what’s the lesson? If you can’t do something, suck it up and just say NO. Wasting the time of others through fobbing them off with a “send me a proposal” tactic is crass and un-businesslike. Making a bad situation worse by then just ignoring the asker/seller is a great way to destroy your reputation and credibility and you WILL deserve all the negatives that result,

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Finally out of frustration he, lets call him Geoff, came to me and said he was sick of waiting as he had not had any positive feedback from his friend on when he might finish. I agreed to take on the project and got to work straight away. Although I had another important project underway I finished Geoff’s job in about ten days.

After I had finished the job I coincidentally I met the other supplier for the job at a social event and on discussing building websites in general (a common interest) he mentioned Geoff and said “I have had a job sitting around for a year perhaps you should take it as I and my website techie guy are a bit busy”. He went on and said with a smirk ‘I’m sure if you do it within a year Geoff will be happy. I found this attitude appalling and I know the supplier had actually had plenty of time to get the job done much earlier.

I had also used the other supplier for some creative work and printing some time in the past. My treatment was the same; he promised a lot and delivered very little. In the process he managed to insult me by telling me my existing printed material that his designs would be replacing was rubbish. Unbeknown to him I had designed the existing material myself. Now rubbish or not I still felt insulted.

So if we are looking t advance our career or just work effectively what are the lessons.

1. If you agree to take on a task get on with it with some sense of urgency.
2. “Bullshit may baffle brains” as the old saying goes however not for long.
3. Respect your customer’s let them know where you up to during a job’s progress.
4. Don’t take on work you can’t handle, as your inability to perform will destroy your credibility.
5. The cheapest quote is not always the best quote.
6. Your reputation is important and your slowness to act will always be publicized to others and can destroy your market and your brand, particularly your personal brand
7. Never scoff at the current work or product of your customer because you never know the history of how it got to be what it was or how attached they are to what they have.

Whether you are an employee or an independent contractor the old rule still stands, if you want to be seen as effective “say what you will do ad do it and say what you won’t do and don’t do it.

I am sure there are other lessons that can be drawn from this situation and hopefully you can add a comment to express your similar experiences and the lessons that those experiences teach.

A discussion on free speech and the need to maintain our right to say things that upset those around us. The stifling of free speech is one of the most important issues of our time.

I have recently seen a crazy example of this: Qantas was at the centre of a scandal after posting a photo of two guys who wore black face-paint and afro wigs after they posted a photograph of the marketing stunt on the micro-blogging site. The guys were dressed and made up to look like Radike Samo. complete with Afro Wig, Aus rugby kit and face paint, They were snapped a photo with “Samo” himself. The airline however after congratulating the two fans changed its tune after an angry Twitter backlash and then issued an apology. This was not a racist action and Samo himself seems to have had no problem with it. The guys were honouring a great Aussie team member. Give me a break PC crowd… get back in your dark little narrow box.

Dr Thilo Sarrazin, former central banker and author; Dr Janet Albrechtsen, columnist with The Australian; Professor James Allan, bills-of-rights scholar; and Brendan O’Neill, pulls-no-punches journalist and editor of the popular online UK publication spiked for a closer look into the pervasive problem of political correctness.

Beware of political correctness and the motive of those that peddle it as they are attempting to “muzzle free speech, stifle genuine inquiry and destroy independent thinking”.

Julian talks at (TED) about:

The importance to listening of patterns, differences, filters & intention.

How we are becoming desensitized and losing our ability to listen and the scary consequences of that fact.

5 listening practice methods

3 minutes of silence
Utilizing the mixer
Mundane sounds and the hidden choir
Listening Positions
A handy synonym – RASA

Listening has become such an important issue in our work and our personal lives that it is becoming an imperative for us to do some formal training on the subject. If you are having difficulty with a that this talk and other resources that can be found on the web may at least add some value and expertise.

You as a new recruit might have more talent than existing team members however they have more experience.

It’s a privilege, not a right, to play/work in a top team regardless of how talented you are.

Your place in any team is temporary and it will be in every team you work with, or as he put it, “Your jersey is rented. You’re replaceable”

Developing sound levels of emotional intelligence is essential. “Don’t get sensitive, be coachable.”

“Habits create who you are and if you’re habits aren’t changing, you ain’t changing.”

Never be late for meetings, it shows a lack of commitment and loses you the trust of others and of course their respect.

“Be a good listener.” This is a learnable skill, if you have a problem with it… fix it.

Work hard to earn the trust of the leader and senior team members.

Adapted from a summary of “The Incredible Speech New NFL Recruits Got This Year” (June 29th 2011) – on the Business Insider Website. Read the full article at: http://www.businessinsider.com/15-career-tips-from-herm-edwards-nfl-speech-2011?op=1 where they also have the link to the actual speech on YouTube

Important point: Fitting into a new team is never easy however the tips here and of course the full list referenced above will give any new recruit a good start. I once conducted a survey in a company I worked with an asked existing staff if they accepted new company hires immediately because the company had put the trust in the new hires by employing them in the first place. The emphatic answer was no, not for some months until they had “proved themselves”. Lets be honest whether its formally documented or not all new jobs come with a six month probation period. Guess who decides if you pass probation or not, your peers and ‘subordinates’… not the management, however they will see how you relate to the team, the team will inform them on how well you fit and if you don’t you’re out.

Although this is a relatively new state for some I can remember some time back while training some Indian colleagues commenting that they were, to put it kindly, “very verbose and that they would do anything to keep talking”. They smiled and said Richard… “here in our country there are many people and limited opportunities, we learn at a young age to stand up and have our say due to a need for us to compete to be noticed”. One participant even suggested, “if you don’t get noticed here, you just fall of the edge”.

So why is a skill in public speaking, as opposed to effectiveness in one on one conversations so important. Firstly learning to speak in public will force you to come to terms with the need to clearly and succinctly articulate a point of view. As you learn to speak in public you will be trained to build your ‘argument’ in a logical fashion and present your points so that one point builds on another. This training in thinking and speaking in a structured and logical manner is a great life skill to develop. If you persist and become proficient enough in your topic to allow for questions you will additionally improve your ability to “think on your feet”, obviously another essential skill for a fast moving environment. All these public speaking experiences of course should, in the normal course of events, enable you to increase your self-confidence, a major key to all success.

A few additional payoffs from learning to speak in public

If you speak regularly (and well) it will make you more comfortable when dealing with strangers, rather than just those that are close to you and particularly in taking the lead in what could be a relatively hostile environment.

Being comfortable and confident when speaking in public improves your employability, as it is a skill sought after in all managers by pretty much all organizations.

This skill will lead to you being better able to persuade people, as you practice and get feedback, which will allow you to improve your chances to appeal to them as human beings that have emotions, desires and thoughts that are often similar to your own. As another writer (source unknown) put it, “this is the difference between distinguishing between a simple [view of an audience as] bosses, employees or clients and transforming them in your mind into people with real problems, hopes, fears, dreams and desires”.

If you have ambitions to be a leader obviously you not only have to come up “big ideas” and a sound vision of the future you will need to express those ideas and your vision with passion and conviction to large groups of people from whom you will need to gain support and co-operation. Becoming a proficient public speaker will be essential if you are to reach a sizeable following.

So the conclusion must be that becoming an effective public speaker is a key life skill and will likely be the difference between success and failure in your life at home, at work and in the community in which you live.

Communication Commandment 2: Thou shall not hide by avoiding responding to emails or calls, or use total silence when face to face.

Communication Commandment 3: Thou shall not interrupt, arrogantly cut in with your own views, nor just be competing to ‘win’.

Communication Commandment 4: Thou shall not generalize, use spurious facts nor wallow in your own ‘genius’ ideas.

Communication Commandment 5: Thou shall not indulge in self-deception, self-righteousness, nor be defensive or dogmatic.

Communication Commandment 6: Thou shall not crucify the message by using jargon, slang or bad language.

Communication Commandment 7: Thou shall not be impolite by using “me and the team” rather than “the team and I”.

Communication Commandment 8: Thou shall not say yes to keep the peace when you need to say no to deal with the reality.

Communication Commandment 9: Thou shall not respond due to your attitude to the sender rather than the facts of the message.

Communication Commandment 10: Thou shall not be unwilling to look critically at your own position or behavior and how it’s impacting the situation.

Communication is…

“Achieving a state of shared understanding of the message transmitted”. Communication only occurs when the receiver fully comprehends what you mean. Communication to be successful must be confirmed by appropriate feedback that demonstrates that understanding.

Communication is not… just telling someone something!

So what’s the problem and why is there so much miss-communication?

Communication when you break it down is a series of ‘symbols’ translated into language and gestures by the sender, which are then deciphered as a new series of ‘symbols’ by the receiver! Example: Different words can mean different things to different people.

Take the word vision for example.

Vision can mean: eyesight, something that has been seen, something that is surreal and imagined, competence in discernment or perception, intelligent foresight, the way in which one sees or conceives of something or it can refer to an object of extraordinary beauty. Even if you take the final meaning beauty of course can be many things to many people, what you find beautiful may not be seen as such by another..

The most commonly used 2000 words in the English language can produce 14,000 possible interpretations and because those with whom we speak constantly interpret rather than truly listen… our real meaning is therefore often lost.

This leads to the second problem of communication… most people don’t really listen well.

Listening is a long subject that I will not go into here however suffice to say that when you are speaking with others they will be either preparing a response to what you are saying from early on in the conversation or worse still mentally thinking about what they a have prejudged in their mind about you and the topic you are presenting.

To truly communicate well you need to…

a) Plan what you are going to say by putting yourself in the shoes of your audience.

b) Use the famous seven “c’s” of communication! You must be…

•    Clear
•    Concise
•    Concrete
•    Correct
•    Coherent
•    Complete
•    Courteous

c) Be acutely aware that what you are saying will be filtered through both your and the listeners…

“Individual differences, cultural differences, attitudes about the message or the other person, stereotyping, generalizing, beliefs, values, assumptions about what the other person knows, thinks, feels or has heard, age, sex, perceptions, expectations, emotional state, jargon, differing verbal and non verbal signals, pre-empting, thinking about your perspective or how to answer something that you or the listener does not understand and environmental noise or visual distractions.”

A handy basic communication checklist.

During your planning you need to think about:

WHAT WE WANT TO COMMUNICATE: Organise our thoughts. Make a mental outline… (Know any people that never get to the point?) and state what we are communicating concisely in the appropriate order and at the appropriate pace.

WHEN TO SEND MESSAGE: Is this the right time? What frame of mind is receiver in? … Is the receiver going to listen or are they under stress or pressure from other situations they are dealing with?

WHERE TO GIVE MESSAGE: Is this the right place or are there a lot of distractions? Is more privacy required?

WHO IS THE RECEIVER: Their frame of reference, experience and needs.

THE METHOD OF SENDING OUR MESSAGE: In person, by phone, letter, memo or a combination of methods…

So finally to be an  effective communicator you need to hone your skills of soliciting pertinent feedback buy developing a series of pertinent questions during your planning process to ensure that what you are really communicating is understood and finally asking your listener to summarize what you have said to make sure the correct message has been received.