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Listening effectively during the “conversation”

To ensure a smooth interchange the communication must be approached with a demonstrated attitude of “good faith”, mutual confidence, welcoming of ideas, a friendly demeanor and a strong focus on the sender. Real communication is two-way affair and it is obvious that people won’t listen to you if you don’t demonstrate that you are listening to them. Importantly listening is more than just a mechanical process.

To improve listening power:

1. Don’t assume anything and don’t anticipate

Don’t let the other party get the impression that you think, you know what he’s going to say. Often I see interchanges where a staff member for example will set an appointment with his/her manager regarding an issue and the boss will say something like… ‘Hi Fred you’re here about xyz and did you know when I held your position I did this about XYZ and blah blah blah for ten minutes’. If someone with permission comes to you to talk about an issue… be quiet and listen first.

2. Don’t interrupt

Let the other party have his or her full say on the matter or what they are presenting. If you don’t have the time to devote to a full exchange, reschedule to a period when you can. Half an exchange can do more harm than good. Just resist the temptation to jump in when you think you have a point to make (or score).

3. Try to understand the sender’s reason for the communication

Often the real need for the senders desire to talk is quite different from his/her immediate purpose. One way to confirm what is really being transmitted to simply ask the question, ‘what is the reasoning behind this’, or ‘what is the background to what you are saying?’

4. Don’t react too quickly and don’t jump to conclusions

The other party may (and often will) unintentionally use a words phrases or a style that will increase your emotional state in a negative way. Many individuals to be honest express themselves badly. To be a good listener you need to be patient and seek to understand what is the meaning behind the words and that both of you are talking about the same item, issue or situation.

5. Concentrate concentrate concentrate…

Yes I know some individuals talk around in circles however your need to actively concentrate on the sender. If you find your mind wandering speak up, and say something like, ‘sorry can you just ran your last point by me again to make sure I have correctly understood what you are saying. So don’t be a passive listener you must put in some effort and participate.

Common listening problems and reasons and some basic solutions:

I find my mind constantly wandering on to other topics…
Passive listening is virtually just hoping to grasp meaning and feelings without any effort on your part. The problem with being a passive listener (a listening habit probably due in part to our bad schooling and parenting) is that it leads to difficulty with concentration on the topic, particularly when it deals with abstract thinking or concepts.

I find myself thinking of what I would say in reply and miss some main points…
Egotism – looking for a chance to dominate? The answer is yes! We all do it, we all like to demonstrate how smart we are and we like to take the upper hand in a discussion. If you want to be a good listener you must resist the desire to let your ego dominate your intellect.

I seem to concentrate on the sender’s personality and miss the message…
Amateur psychologist syndrome – assessing personality if you are trying to understand a message is to my way of thinking misplaced focus. You need to stop analyzing the person, consider and focus on what is being said and other issues such as body language and the pace and tone of the delivery.

I stop listening if I loose confidence in my ability to comprehend the message…
Often as the facts and concepts being spoken about become difficult or you get stuck on thinking about one point I don’t grasp effective listening stops. Many of us have a habit of believing that “it is better to say nothing and appear a fool than to open our mouth and leave no doubt”. That may be great from a political or ego point of view however it is a disaster from an effective listening view. You decide, are you big enough or powerful enough to ask for clarification on a point?

I stop listening out of boredom or because the topic is familiar to me so…
Well just remember another’s perspective on a familiar topic can be the source of great insights.

I stop listening outside familiar fields and is not really is not interesting to me…
If you suffer from this problem my best advice is to seek help on how to develop your personality, human relations skills or as an alternative become a hermit.

I feel the need to challenge every phrase and can be a bit pedantic or competitive…
Check your ego at the door and read what I have written above again.

Some general listening habits to cultivate:
Listen for the main points and link one fact or example to each main point. The main points will act as a structure to hang the examples on.

Make mental pictures of the vivid examples and ask if you can supply some from your own experience to confirm understanding when appropriate.

Again do not reply until you have heard the case or point being made. Defer thinking regarding your reply until it is your turn to talk. If this is a problem jot short notes.

You cannot learn things if you are only willing to focus on easy material and familiar subjects, seek clarification of difficult material and take learning as a desirable challenge. Expand your outlook.

Ric (orglearn) While you’re here take a look at the free blank resume form!

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